the last few days have been just the greatest and i cant really put in to words how great it feels. the other day i was just sitting here with my friend jeff and my brother called me. he said that he is homeless and asked if he can sortta bumb a couple nights on my couch, so i went and picked him up. hes still here. probably will be for a while. i dont mind him being here. anyway, well, he brought that letter that i have been waiting so so fucking bad for. i couldnt believe it all really, but it was from my mom and it had her phone number in it!!! so of course i called it! i was thinking of what i was going to say in her voice mail and then she answered! SHE ANSWERED!!!

we have talked every night now for hours. i still cant believe all this has happend. she is now remarried to a truck driver. they travel all around the U.S. she really likes it. this new years she and her new husband are coming here to MD to visit us. can you believe !!? im going to see her for the first time in like 6 or 7 years!! im really excited. i told her that shes a grandma and i could tell in her voice that she was gonna cry. all she kept saying was that she couldnt believe she missed her grand babys birth. i am just so overwhelmed and shocked that all this is happening. its all very exciting.

location: sitting in this ol chair mood: thankful

yesterday was sad. i wait everyday to check the mail just hoping that my mom will write back. though yesterday when i checked the mail, i opened the box only to find the letter that i had written to her was sent back to me.  

it made me so sad to see it there. i stood there like a fool just looking at it in disbelief. i just could not understand for a while. was it some sick trick someone was playing on me or what? no, it wasnt. on the outside of the envelope was a bright yellow sicker that read: "RETURN TO SENDER
                                                         ATTEMPTED-- NOT KNOWN
                                                          UNABLE TO FOREWARD"

i came through the front door and sat on the couch and began to cry like a little girl. just like the girl i once was watching her mother get in to the car and leave without saying "Good bye." i felt just as sad and alone as that day. 

i did send out an e mail to the lady, Mrs. Rita, who originally gave me the address that i used. i hope its just that i mixed up the numbers or something. i am dyslexic, so i do that very often.  

so all i have to do now is wait to hear from her. this is the worst part. i hate waiting. ive been waiting for years. im tired of it now. but what more can i do?

location: here here here mood: depressed

the other day i went to the Gyno, not that you really need to know.
well, i have to get a sonogram because he thinks something is wrong with my insides. could be my bladder or female parts. but i am in pain and i dont have insurance to get it looked at... he said that its pretty important that i get it checked though. could be serious. which really sucks. all i keep thinking is that i have somekind of cancer or something that would result in me not being able to have anymore kids. and that scares me so much. i want at least a girl, but i really want a bunch more! anyway.... thats how i have been doing these last couple days. 

so how is everyone else? are the days for all of yall going as you would have hoped they would go? are all our dreams and hopes coming ture? im just in a really weird mood right now.

location: ..... mood: weird

trait snapshot:

well here i am. not doing to much and sitting in this chair again. seems like i live on this chair. ha ha. well, so i have made a decision. i have done this before and it only lasted a month, but im thinking about doing it again. everytime i shave my legs, it seems i get razor burn and that really hurts, so why even do it?! i just dont think i can keep doing that to myself. its cold now anyeay, and ive been wearing pants and long skirts all the time, so theres really no need to shave them. see how bored i am?! i am telling you all about my legs. :-)
anyway... i think i may call my brother tomorrow. he still hasnt come by with that letter. im going to make him open it and read it to me over the phone. that sounds like it may actually work. then i wont keep on wondering who the damn thing is from. 
so my friend jeff came over today. he is so funny! we were just sitting around at first and then we piped some goodness and made things interesting, so i made some instant chocolate pudding and we pigged out. i had to use a huge whisk. i mean it was like a foot and a half big! i dont know why we have it, but jeff could not stop laughing and it made everything great! we talked about so many rediculous things and it was great.  thats about all that happend today. we were supposed to go to the Irish Moon coffee house in the next town up from us, its like 5 mins away, but cory didnt feel like it. i wait all day in this damn house all by myself and when he says that were going to do something when he comes home from work, i get excited, ill admit. but then he always says he is too tired or he just doesnt feel like it anymore. how rude! its very annoying. so yet anither let down brought to us by cory.
delightful. 

location: same ol' place mood: anxious

he never showed up. it is almost killing me not knowing who that letter is from! damn the rain. 
remember he is riding his bike now to see me... and it rained all day yesterday and the day before. therefore he didnt 
come over. well, i guess i'll just have to wait. i hate every minute of it. its
like knowing someones darkest secret and not being able to tell anyone! its so hard but you
 do it anyway. i kinda wish jimmy
 didnt even tell me. because then i wouldnt be sitting here waiting for the damn thing!                     if he could have just 
had some sense and brought it with him the last time he was here! can you see?! i really need to know                                     who the letter is from! anyway.... i'll have to stop thinking about it for a while. so i guess i can tell everyone about my day today. it really 
isnt too exciting, 
once again. malachi woke again at the crack of dawn... maybe a little before. so i am a bit tired, it being almost
 midmight. we were 
looking for something to do 
today because it is so annoying sitting around doing nothing while watching your life fly by you. so we (we being myself, my boyfriend/ hubby- cory
 and our friend- billy) decided to go on the nature loop. the reason we call this journey The Nature Loop,                                                 is because we drive a long ass way to this dirt road and it has a part in the road 
that you have to drive over a streem/ small river and then as you keep on going it eventually 
makes a big circle back                             to the beginning. then we go home. it may not seem too overly exciting, but we do it quite offten. today it was better than                       other times. the scene was beautiful. it is now fall as we all know, and the leaves are now                         fantastic. they are 
so pretty and the whole trip is up/ down a mountain. tons of trees. it was beautiful. well, as we are driving down the road billy sees a spot                       that you could tell used 
to be a regular trail, but 
no longer gets much use... well, we used it. it didnt seem to lead anywhere, just through the woods.             so after we reached a point where we thought it  
 would be best to turn around and go back,       we nearly get stranded there.                see, billy drives a van...a volks wagon bus and we goy sortta stuck in mud  
while turning around, we had a hell of a time even trying to turn around and then the van 
shuts off; and sometimes.. well most of the time lately, the van has to be push       started, so we thought we            were in for trouble. being in the middle                           of no where on top of 
a mountain full of trees, that is. for some reason no one thought of the trouble turning 
around may be. but we made it, none the less. what an adventure. so we get                   off that path        and head down 
the more familier one. the one that leads the way out. we head home 
and that too seems to take forever. 
now it is about 7 o'clock and                        i am sopposed to meet a friend, jeff, at my house soon, and we are about 45 minutes from there. cory and billy both know of jeff 
being at our house 
soon, but no. they have decided that we need more beer/ wine, and well, yea we were                    all hungry, so that trip to 
the toco bell/ kfc was a must. but also a major delay. i call jeff and he doesnt care much, for 
he is                                            at the dunkin 
doenuts himself. finally we get to the next town, get the need beverages and head home.                               where jeff is sitting in the drive way. hasnt been there long, 
he says. but we ended up just sitting around and here i am now. jeff and billy                                 are both gone. billy            went home and jeff to work. cory is still passed out on the couch. but overall today want too awefull bad.
the end.    

location: back here in this room mood: anxious music: nothing at all

so my day is going as all the rest, boring as all hell. i start my days off at an ungodly time in the morning due to the loud screeming my son puts out. i love him, but what a rude awakening! then i feed him and feed myself. i love cereal... all kinds and i could eat it for every meal; i have before! well then i get on this computer, sitting in this chair. everyday, the same ol' thing. yesterday, however, i was continuing my ongoing, never seeming to end, search for my mother and i hit yet another bump in the road. everytime i try to find some clue as to where she could be, it comes to a dead end. this time instead of searching for an address or phone number, i did an e-mail search. <and by the way, i never knew this before, but you can get anyones e-mail address active or not by going to yahoo e-mail search>so im there and i wasnt sure if i should look for her first and  maiden name or first and married then divorced name. i figured she probably wouldnt have gotten the married name chenged yet, but that search went to "no results found..." then i searched for the maiden name and got so fucking many possibilities!!! i mean, why do so many people have the same name?! well, i did the only thing i thought i could do with all these e-mail addresses... i e-mailed them all a little note. i have only gotten like 4 responces back, so far. and 9 of the addresses are no longer used and my e-mail was sent back to me. it took like an hour to send all those messages out, so hopefully one of them is her. i havent seen or heard from her in over 5 years. i even went as far as searching in death records. what a drag! my brother also came over yesterday. he still lives with our dad...(his father, my stepdad) who is overly controlling and just an ass hole by nature. i cant stand him and dont care to ever speak to him again. anyway, my bros name is jimmy. so he came over because he needed money. well, im a mom... so you can guess my weekly income! he was pretty disappointed. he needed like $80! see, he lost his license and needs to take that stupid class at the MVA to get it back. so he rode his bike like 10+ miles to my house only to get $24. poor jimmy. anyway, he said that a letter came for me in the mail at his house! i was so mad that he didnt bring it with him. normally i wouldnt care, cause it could just be the normal junk mail trying to get me to get a student loan or some bullshit like that. but no... he said that this letter was in a pink envelope and has only a P.O. Box number as the return address. where he didnt find this important, i thought of it as possibly being my mom! she doesnt know that i dont live there anymore, she never used to put her name on the outside of the envelope, and i have been looking so damn hard to find her, maybe this is my big break! so i am really excited that my brother should be bringing it to me today. hopefully it is her and i dont have to keep looking. it is so hard to find someone who doesnt want to be found! oh my god! and yesterday just for fun, i tried looking for myself.... just to see if i could find anything. but no, nothing! nothing at all. i even looked under my S.S. number! i dont exist! that was weird. damn, i guess if youre reading this you have to be thoroughly bored by now. so i guess i should stop here. but isnt that all exciting?! it was/ is for me. well, i'll write more later.... if my bro comes today with that letter, i'll tell y'all the results!

location: in this same ol' chair mood: excited music: none